Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Pessimism Point

Having cancer brings a person through every stage of grief. Denial, hysteria, acceptance, buoyancy through faith and acceptance, and I believe most of us hit a point of pessimism about the whole thing.

I know I did everything I could do to prevent this beast coming back. I stayed uplifted throughout my treatment...yea, I whined but I was entitled to that. I kept my kids and husband on an even keel. I even kept me on an even keel, despite being bombarded by drugs and fried to a crisp.

I'm pessimistic now. I don't look like a cancer patient anymore but I hate how this has changed me. In my head. I think like a cancer patient now instead of like the multi-tasking, handle-anything, juggling mom and wife I was before. I'll let fatigue sweep over me when I wouldn't before. This illness has colored everything a shitty shade of pink.

Am I in a rut? I don't think so. I'm doing my normal things and taking joy in caring for my family. I still get annoyed at the volume of crap in this house (toys and stuff!!) but I can't muster up the energy to do anything about it. This bone weariness plagues me everyday. I slept my entire Saturday away. That was stupid.

So I feel quite pessimistic about the whole thing. When I look at my hair, I wonder when it will fall out again. I'm happy with my eyelashes for a few days, then I get mad all over again. I don't look like me. And I hate this. There's some part of me that wonders if I'll have the gumption to barrel through the next round. Whenever it strikes.

There's my pessimism. I don't think cancer is done with me yet.


Anonymous said...

My darling daughter:

I've read your blog, and promise not to offer platitudes. advice, or anything remotely connected.

You have been through an extremely rough year. but it is now behind you. Set your eyes on the coming weeks -- our trip to Atlantis and all the great times we will have with Dad, Bill, Steffie & Jackie. I guess it all boils down to one day at a time. Everyone copes with the "after treatment reaction" differently. You are entitled to feel anyway you want.

Just remember, we love you very much, and will always be here for you.


Hua said...


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Anonymous said...

Hi sweetie,
Love the "shitty shade of pink" comment. My poor mom has just been diagnosed for the third time (won't have more details until Friday...hate the waiting more than she does), so I know the feeling of cancer not being done yet. I think of two years ago when I was just diagnosed, and I know I am still not back to my own normal, just the new one, which I sincerely don't like as much. Feel however you need/want to feel. What else are you supposed to do? Just please know that you've made a difference and made things better for others and probably even yourself, somehow.


Debby said...

I gotta say, I know that 'after treatment reaction' kind of well. It is mine.

I also want to thank you for the comment about the ankles. Mine ache terribly, and have actually given out twice. (I fell off the porch...) Could you e-mail me w/ more info about the impact exercises you were given?

You can e-mail me by going to my profile.

OddBall said...

I know this is going to set off a relative firestorm but frankly I do not care.

We can readily establish cancer is insidious, dreadful and all the other negative adjectives one could attach to such a sinister malady.

However, my beef isn't with those that wish to identify with those asinine pink ribbons. If that gives someone the drive to defeat their cancer then more power to them.

My beef is pretty simple: The Susan G. Komen foundation. Tell me why is it a person that runs this foundation needs a half million dollars in compensation? Why is it one needs to protect and license the pink ribbon in such a heavy handed manner? I realize brand recognition is important but is it really important for research into curing cancer? No, it is not.

The for-profit corporations are also very much complicit in this as well. How can one justify paying 25% or more for an item because it has an identity with the SGK foundation? The company then advertises that a small percentage of each sale will be donated to the SGKF. Great, so you just paid way too much for a product and donated a few cents to the SGKF.

Feel better now? would you feel better if you purchased that same product, without all the accoutrement attached to it for much less, taken that difference and applied it directly to the cause?

Its a multi faceted complaint I have. The human condition loves to associate with...things. The SGKF wants to protect their brand name. The manufacturers and peddlers of products want you, the consumer, to continue your absurd association with...things...and purchase their crap at a premium while that manufacturer throws in a few cents to the SGKF. Yay! Everyone is happy.

Oh, god forbid anyone criticize or question the SGKF lest you be branded an insensitive ass.

I guess I am insensitive.

For the record the owner of this blog is my sister. We've had extensive discussions regarding this before.

Its encouraging people wish to donate their money and time but remember there are a few other diseases that rank much higher than BC. We can cover them all.