Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Pessimism Point

Having cancer brings a person through every stage of grief. Denial, hysteria, acceptance, buoyancy through faith and acceptance, and I believe most of us hit a point of pessimism about the whole thing.

I know I did everything I could do to prevent this beast coming back. I stayed uplifted throughout my treatment...yea, I whined but I was entitled to that. I kept my kids and husband on an even keel. I even kept me on an even keel, despite being bombarded by drugs and fried to a crisp.

I'm pessimistic now. I don't look like a cancer patient anymore but I hate how this has changed me. In my head. I think like a cancer patient now instead of like the multi-tasking, handle-anything, juggling mom and wife I was before. I'll let fatigue sweep over me when I wouldn't before. This illness has colored everything a shitty shade of pink.

Am I in a rut? I don't think so. I'm doing my normal things and taking joy in caring for my family. I still get annoyed at the volume of crap in this house (toys and stuff!!) but I can't muster up the energy to do anything about it. This bone weariness plagues me everyday. I slept my entire Saturday away. That was stupid.

So I feel quite pessimistic about the whole thing. When I look at my hair, I wonder when it will fall out again. I'm happy with my eyelashes for a few days, then I get mad all over again. I don't look like me. And I hate this. There's some part of me that wonders if I'll have the gumption to barrel through the next round. Whenever it strikes.

There's my pessimism. I don't think cancer is done with me yet.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hi Lonely Blog

Whew! We've had way too much going on for me to even visit this blog. So hello to my lonely, ignored blog and to my blogette and blogger friends. I've missed you.

Bill's Grandma died a week ago Friday and we drove to Texas. Maryland to Texas is about 1350 miles one way. We left Tuesday and drove like mad to get to Nana's funeral on Wednesday. We stayed until early Sunday morning and drove straight through to get home. Quite a trip - an exhausting trip.

You know, life needs to settle into a routine here. It would be nice to not have a crisis appearing once a week. Broken dryers, deaths, sick kids, car towing, Bruiser the wonder dog - it's been one thing after another. I know it's life but we need some peace. I need some peace in order to make some money!!

So Jackie's blood work came back negative for Lyme - Thank God. She hasn't complained of sore legs in over a week. What a weird virus. I'm just on the lookout for it to reappear and if it does, we'll get her tested again. She does go to preschool on a horse farm so the chances of her picking up ticks on her daily hikes is much higher than for most people. She's loving school but still answers with "Nothing" when we ask her what she does every day. She's a smarty britches!

I'm finding losing even a pound is like pulling eye teeth. This Tamoxifen makes things rather stubborn. Dr. K told me that it causes stomach bloating - thank you Captain Obvious. I find this whole thing extremely frustrating when dropping back the weight I gained from the steroids will take a literal act of God. I want to be at the correct weight for alot of reasons, beginning with the lower incidence of recurrence of breast cancer in women at optimum weight. It's good incentive to eat like a rabbit.

So here I am! Just here. Pissed off at alot of stuff but hanging in there. I don't like feeling this way but digging myself out of this hole is quite difficult. I guess it just takes time and when I think about it, it only has been 4 months since I finished radiation. About 8 months since chemo was done.

Gotta run. Be well!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

How ya doing?

What's up?

I've been buried under a mound of drama this week with the girls going back to school. Right smack in the middle of my first week actually working without interruption, I have the major drama of a foreclosed animal being sent to the shelter that my Mom absolutely wanted to rescue. (not my foreclosure - someone else's).

So anyway, Jackie had a fever, missed a day of school, went back then developed stiffness in her legs. Out of school again on Friday for most of the day to have a checkup and blood work to check for Lyme's disease. She's walking very stiffly when she wakes up in a morning and her fever appeared one time and then disappeared. She's okay but occasionally stiff. Blood results should come next week.

So drama. All-week-drama-that-keeps-a-body-from-working type drama. But it's good because this doggie will be happy with Mom and Dad and she loves him.

If you want to read his story, click HERE and for part 2, click HERE. I'm writing this every day after our visits so there's another article coming. I need to be very careful with what I say though, because vindictiveness is the middle name of some of the people over there.

He's the pup in the pictures in my article and he's absolutely delightful :) There will be more to his story over the next few days and months.

I have video of him now too.

Yes, that's a rooster you're hearing in the background. The rooster is quite confused, since the video was taken just before 5 p.m. There's ducks (Bruiser likes them) and some chickens too. My sister-in-law Michelle is the "HAND" you see :) and she's the one telling the rooster it isn't morning.

Be well and happy Labor Day everyone!