Sunday, July 5, 2009

Coming up on 1 year to diagnosis

July 7 is the absolute most awful day ever created by mankind. So I'm skipping this day, if you don't mind. Sorry if it's your birthday - change it. It's cursed.

Today's the 5th and so I'm bracing myself to skip Tuesday because I'm really not kidding. I lost a baby on July 7, 2005 and was diagnosed July 7, 2008. This day just needs to disappear.

Have you ever wondered why things happen on specific dates? I think I lost my baby because the cancer was gearing up. Jackie had just been born in January of that year. Maybe it wasn't the right time for the blast of estrogen from Jackie. Maybe God decided I had my hands full with a sick baby (Jackie had a folded intestine called an intusseseption at 3 months). Whatever the reason, to this day I grieve my baby that made it only to 13 weeks.

This is the stuff that makes it so hard to be sitting in menopause limbo here. Bill and I weren't certain we were finished having children. He's the type of person who absolutely should have a little boy. And he doesn't.

Is this a regret? Can you call it that when every now and then you just get royally ticked off at the hand you were dealt? Is it worse to get angry because I'm lucky enough to have my kids when so many women are diagnosed and don't? I guess I don't really care. One thing cancer has taught me is to look out for me first. And I do.

I'll see everyone Wednesday.


Holly said...

my heart is breaking for you...sending love and gentle hugs to you, your husband, your daughter and the sweetest baby that was never born.

Anonymous said...

I"m proud of you for knowing what you need and putting it first.

Sara Williams said...

The 10th is always significant with me. 10th is my birthday, 10th is my big brothers birthday, my brother died on the 10th, my last round of chemo will be on the 10th (exact anniversary of my brothers death), my oldest son was due on the 10th and was born in the 10th month the baby I lost in the 10th week should have been born in the 10th month.It is really strange how some dates are. I hate 10th Sept because it took away my brother but as from this year I will celebrate it because it marks the end of my treatment x

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Special invitation to all breast cancer bloggers. This month the Being Cancer Book Club is reading “The Adventures of Cancer Bitch” by S. L. Wisenberg, “witty and relentless, surprising and honest. Wisenberg has walked through the Valley of Cancer and she is willing to tell all; this is a cornucopia of breast cancer information as well as a very smart, funny read from an excellent writer."—Audrey Niffenegger, author, The Time Traveler’s Wife.
Book discussions are in Mondays’ posts. Take care, Dennis

Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Heather, of Heather's Journey, had a special ceremony on her anniversary in which she was supported by her friends that helped her along on her really rocky recovery. July 7 is never going to be a good day for you. My anniversary is 9-10, a day before my grandson's due date and I bet he shows up then.
I lost my baby during the San Francisco Earthquake but I remember its due date more, 5-21-90. I had Naomi a year later. Did you completely go into chemopause? Even so, your period still could come back. I am hoping for you.

Armand said...

Whatever it may entail, looking out for yourself is the single best thing you can do. I hope you are well.