Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm back

I've been in a real funk.

Tata removal, chemo, rads, and recovery has really got me bent.

I went for a bike ride today and came to some profound conclusions. I can't ride my exercise bike. I needed to ride my real bike simply because it gets me somewhere. And herein lies the problem with recovering from treatment.

It's too damn slow.

I'm not a slow person. I'm type A, mach 2 all the time. I hit a brick wall a few weeks ago and it was like a heavy weight came down on me. I want this to be over. I'm sick of this. There's no progress. I measure progress in the millimeter size increase of each eyelash and hair strand. It's really annoying.

I want leaps and bounds - not baby steps.

So I spring-cleaned my house, weeded out the "weed from hell," worked on the outside gardens, transplanted stuff, cleaned up whirlies from the maple trees, cleaned up leaves, clipped plants, chased the kids, planted seeds, played softball with the kids and generally got into just about everything to snap myself out of the funk. I don't know if it worked but I feel more focused. And for heaven's sake, my poor neglected house is clean. That soothes this savage beast a little.

In the words of dear Kathy, "it's been awhile since I flashed my doctor." Well, I did that today too. It was a checkup with the original surgeon. Apparently, we are again revisiting the margin issue. He's having a pow-wow with all the doctors involved to see if I need to have that flap of skin removed on the lower right breast. As he put it, I've gone 26.8 miles in a 28 mile marathon so why not finish it? Maybe because I thought it was already finished???????????

I'm not certain how I feel about this. Apparently, they'll take the skin from my tummy and replace the questionable margin area. Seems to me it's like putting on wall paper. But you know, I'll let Dr. S get all involved in checking out this issue because it is an important one. He's directing the symphony of 4 doctors who've had a hand in the stew pot. And I know he's looking out for my best interests. Throw in the fact that he did cure my Mom of BC and he's way up there on my list.

I don't want their stinking tram flap right boob reconstruction. If this has to happen, they need to replace the skin and give me my gel implants and push me out the door. Short and sweet - like an oil change.

The biggest problem with "being done" is we start to look past just one day at a time. I shouldn't have done that - it was a major mistake. One day at a time works much better for me.

Renee, I'm speechless...

If you want to know why, visit this link for Renee's post about the Relay. And my luminary :o)

Thanks so SO much!


Daria said...

I feel for you ... it's a real roller coaster ride of emotions.

I know I just want my normal life back ...

Roxanne said...

Thanks for the "One day at a time" reminder. I fall hard whenever I go past that. Blessings to you.

Renee said...

Having you (and the other ladies) share your feelings in these blogs has helped me tremendously along my journey. It just seemed fitting - and right - that you all were there on my walk to signify our survival.

I just wish I had had more time - I would have made about 20 more luminaries! I'll be ready for next year's Relay, tho.

Thank YOU so much for YOUR support!


S. F. Heron said...

Renee, you let me know and I'll have my Stef and Jackie make them. We'll mail them to you.

Steffie did one for my Mom two years ago during a school Mass dedicated to BC survivors of the parish. I wasn't there but she told me the altar was absolutely gorgeous with over 300 luminaries during Friday Mass that day.