Back in the Saddle

One week of fog is enough for me. I was really scared on Tuesday because I was literally not here. I was dizzy, out of balance, and not me at all. I'm very afraid of not having my whole 2 weeks of feeling good out of every 3 week chemo session. Since it's cumulative, I keep expecting it to whack me hard. It's starting to. I can feel that. It's a deep feeling of "I don't care." It isn't phasing me yet that I have nothing bought for Christmas. I need to do that. I'll need to wrap everything. I guess I will eventually.

I slept downstairs last night. My bed just isn't comfortable. I have gotten less sleep this time around and I feel it. These stupid night sweats are awful. My tummy was acting up and I just decided to spare the house my nighttime wanderings. Clyde kept me company.

I did manage to sleep for 5 hours straight. I don't know how, but I did.

I went to get my compression sleeve yesterday. I hate the thing. It hurts and I mistakenly dozed off and puffed my arm up even worse. After speaking with a therapist who specializes in lymphedema massage, I understand now that it's not a cure-all. I need the therapy and there are very few therapists in the area that do this type of massage. So I got on the horn with the insurance company so I could get someone to help me. Turns out the best isn't on my insurance plan so I'm hammering at them to get my way.

Here's something to make your skin crawl - I can feel when the arm starts draining. It's a bubbling feeling under the skin right at the top of my rib cage. Like something is under the skin. Intermittent but there. It wakes me out of a sound sleep it's so disturbing. Gross. I'm sick of gross.

Lymphedema massage is extremely light touch massage that stimulates the lymphatic system to drain. Half of this therapy is massage, the other half is compression wrapping and exercises. I need to see someone soon because I'll need 1 week breaks for my chemo sessions and then in February, I start radiation. I can't have massages with radiation.

I want to get a handle on this now. I'm sick of having a swollen arm and hand. It hurts all the time and I'm sick of hurting. Chemo is making me hurt enough. I did find out that some of the problem is from the steroids. Nothing I can do about that. I sure a tootin' don't want to hear that I need to tough anything else out. And I certainly won't have a problem telling anyone where they can stuff it if they happen to tell me that again.

Pain ages a person. Inside. Discomfort does the same. It's insidious, it's all the time. It interrupts sleep, clouds the mind, and causes depression. I'm not interested in living this life tanked up on painkillers to ease this discomfort. I have to admit that this crap has been going on since the afternoon of August 21st and I'm completely, utterly, absolutely sick of it.

So there.