Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'm not gonna do a countdown...

I sit here watching the clock, waiting for my one final day as me with my family. We have plans...plans to go to a petting zoo with the girls, plans to do chores, plans to finish up my preparations for going to the hospital. I have a bag to pack but who knows what I should put in it. I've no idea.

I know that I'll be sore after surgery. I'll hurt but then my lumpectomy and biopsy hurt terribly. They still do. I'm not worried about that. It's the loss of me. The mental side of this whole thing has thrown me for a loop. Dealing with day to day craziness has just become so hard to do. Errands aren't a distraction. It's just one more thing to tick of my list before the Day.

I've got a prescription now to calm me the day of surgery. Called in by my surgeon's nurse. I'm sure she's dealt with many patients but frankly, she's not the warmest individual. I don't like talking to her so I let Bill handle it. Two more boobs gone ain't a big deal to her. Just a number, I guess.

That's what bothers me the most. I'm one of many. Not just me. Not a whole of me. I don't' want to hear anyone's story. I don't really care, to be honest. I'm sorry it happened to whoever wants to tell me their story but you are you and I am me. I know I'm gonna be part of the pink ribbon brigade and frankly, I couldn't care less.

I'm certainly not going through this whole thing according to some recipe. That's the gist of what I hear from many people. This will hurt, this will happen, you'll do this, then this will happen. You'll feel like this, then it won't matter. Whatever. So glad my breast cancer fits your formula for how I'm gonna feel and how I'm gonna behave.

No, the blog colors weren't changed because of my breast cancer. It was changed because the blue was boring.

The waiting is absolutely overwhelming. I sit here at 10:30, Olympics on the TV, watching my exhausted husband catching a few winks. We're both so tired. Bill especially. He's working, and worrying, and trying to make sure I'm on an even keel. I want someone to take care of him since I won't be able to. I don't know what to do. He's been a rock, he really has. He'll need a break at some point and if I know him, he won't leave my side for a minute.

Maybe tomorrow will be a week long. I can wish, can't I?

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