Friday, March 12, 2010

Warning label

I've avoided this blog and in fact, haven't opened it in well over a month. Why? Coping with all of this being over and moving on hasn't been easy. Each day is a private struggle. So private that even my husband doesn't know the depths of how much this bothers me.

What ifs plague a cancer survivor but then, most of you know that. The hardest part is that little things now strike at the very heart of me that never did before. I see a puppy and I'm brought to tears because I want one so bad. But will I see it grow? A child on TV. A sister hugging another sister. A kid's show showing happy children dancing. This list is endless.

The vision of Jackie in her uniform going to school for the first time - I remember not too long ago wondering if I would ever see my youngest enter elementary school.

Steffie getting confirmed. Another milestone in her life. Will I be there for the milestone of 16? What about graduation from HS?

Will I see Kate graduate from college?

The vision of Bill without me. It's humbling, beyond humbling to face it all with my head up and acting normal.

One minute is too long. One day stretches out into infinity. But then both go by so fast it makes my head spin.

My latest morbid activity is mentally making a list of things I must do before I die. The Tetons, Vancouver, Hawaii, taking Jackie to Disney, going to the ACC basketball tournament, Las Vegas, the Painted Desert, Holland and the tulips, Ireland, and on and on and on...

Where was the warning label on the cancer diagnosis that said "this is a mental exercise. persevere at your own risk?"


Holly said...

ah dear one...i hear and feel you so doesn't really seem to get easier, just different....know that you are loved and not alone on this scary road...i'm just stumbling along myself a few steps ahead of you....

Jill said...

I don't think we ever get over the fear of the cancer returning. There are good days and bad days and I am also planning on the things I want to do and the places I still want to see and feel like I need to do them soon and not put them off in the future.I have done a few trips between surgeries and treatments. Ireland is definitely on my list!

Armand said...

Almost a year out, and the doubts and worries still haven't gone away... But we cope.

Renee said...

The treatments are over, in daylight, the outside looks normal, but the inside isn't.

I understand.

I've avoided my blog because of it.

I've missed you!!