I've avoided this blog and in fact, haven't opened it in well over a month. Why? Coping with all of this being over and moving on hasn't been easy. Each day is a private struggle. So private that even my husband doesn't know the depths of how much this bothers me.
What ifs plague a cancer survivor but then, most of you know that. The hardest part is that little things now strike at the very heart of me that never did before. I see a puppy and I'm brought to tears because I want one so bad. But will I see it grow? A child on TV. A sister hugging another sister. A kid's show showing happy children dancing. This list is endless.
The vision of Jackie in her uniform going to school for the first time - I remember not too long ago wondering if I would ever see my youngest enter elementary school.
Steffie getting confirmed. Another milestone in her life. Will I be there for the milestone of 16? What about graduation from HS?
Will I see Kate graduate from college?
The vision of Bill without me. It's humbling, beyond humbling to face it all with my head up and acting normal.
One minute is too long. One day stretches out into infinity. But then both go by so fast it makes my head spin.
My latest morbid activity is mentally making a list of things I must do before I die. The Tetons, Vancouver, Hawaii, taking Jackie to Disney, going to the ACC basketball tournament, Las Vegas, the Painted Desert, Holland and the tulips, Ireland, and on and on and on...
Where was the warning label on the cancer diagnosis that said "this is a mental exercise. persevere at your own risk?"