Friday, January 30, 2009

I feel like a cancer patient now

Isn't it funny that after months of having my body bombarded with poison, I feel like a cancer patient when the chemo is finished. But there it is.

I told Bill this the other night. This was after discovering that I'm losing eyelashes, my arm hair has disappeared, and my eyebrows are slowing going too. There's light fuzz on my head now and I do wonder if that's going to fall out too. There's no happy medium temperature wise for me. I'm either freezing or pouring sweat, usually at night. When will this end?

Finishing chemo was a victory. It was like enduring a tidal wave while hanging precariously onto a tree with one arm. I'm proud of myself for doing it. I know it was a necessity but I have to wonder how long I'm going to feel like I've been squashed like a bug underfoot.

I've been way more upbeat and positive than most. And I've made a concerted effort to be so for my Bill and my girls. It's been so difficult. I've had my princess moments but then, I think all of us are entitled to whine and cheese when we're going through chemo. I think because I've been so positive that crashing now seems harder to deal with. I'm crashing, really. I'm so tired, no completely UNmotivated. I can't collect my thoughts at all. I forget stuff. Good Lord, I almost forget my Steffie had a half day today. Can you imagine? She would've been horrified if I forgot to pick her up.

What I think is upsetting me the most is that I'm having alot of trouble writing. Concentrating is difficult, finding my article hooks is a damn strain. Research isn't easy either. It's just tough. And heaven help me if I'm on the phone and the girls are fighting. The confusion this causes makes my eyes cross. I can't multitask anymore - what mother can function AT ALL without being able to multitask?

I think "OK, I'll do this" then a half second later, forget what I wanted to do. Making a list doesn't help because all the small chores and nitpicky stuff pop into and out of my head so fast. Another annoyance.

I want to start back on my exercises slowly. I know I need to because circulation is a real issue for me since I had so many nodes removed. Hello exercise bike. Can I hang my robe off your handles? I was in my jammies until 7 p.m. - after dinner - on Tuesday. I feel like a bum. I'm not bouncing back at all here after my last chemo.

I tell myself I need to get back on my writing schedule. I write for one company solely for 2 days (usually Thursday and Friday) and knock out 20 articles for bread and butter money. Then the rest of the week, I pursue other leads and content that works for me with ad clicks and residuals as well as moving content to other sites for sale. Hah! That work plan is so shot to pieces. I sat on my butt yesterday - a day Jackie and Steffie were both in school - and didn't write one word. Concentrating requires so much mental effort it makes me want to scream.

Wrung out and worn out.

I want this to go away. Now.


Sue in Italia/In the Land Of Cancer said...

Hi Sharon
I have envied how well you've handled the chemo and how you were able to summon the energy to write your articles and also be a mom to young children. Are you going to need radiation? I guess with the mastectomy you won't.
Chemo is just so hard and I guess all its nasty side effects just don't instantly disappear just because you are no longer on it. I am hoping for you that this lack of energy is just temporary.
Hugs from afar

S. F. Heron said...

Yes, I'll need radiation for 6 1/2 weeks. 2/8 nodes involved and 4.5 cm tumor def results in radiation. I also have a margin issue that needed to be addressed and the rad will do that.

No, the side effects don't disappear. The nausea does but it seems like the side effects are more mental now. Bill keeps telling me I'm still working with low counts, still on antibiotics, and I haven't had a chance yet to really recover since I have another cold. I try to be really logical but it's hard :(

Thanks for those hugs. Sending some your way too.

Anonymous said...

Hey sister,
Cancer treatment is so vicious. What you're going through is of course unique to you, but also normal. Post-treatment and between-treatment issues can be deep and aren't given the same attention as actual treatment. Frustrating. But you're still a princess and a star. Thinking of you, Kathy